Saturday, February 06, 2010

sorry no pictures, inspiration or fluffy thoughts , just a really long post

dealing with the past

life seems to bring things back to us that we think our over and dealt with.

my past is an ugly one. full of heartache and loss and time i can never get back and the hardest part about it was how it changed me.

i will never be the girl i was before it happened. NEVER.... really. my past wasn't some moment i made a big mistake. no not at all, it was a period of moments and choices i made that forever changed me. those choices eventually began to shape who i was becoming.  i eventually became a very sad girl living a very unhappy, very confused life.  did you know that about me? i've always been happy-go-lucky but there was a time when i was very unhappy and very unlucky (not that i believe in luck).

i remember vividly the day GOD came and showed me it was over, over for me to stop living the way i was. HE provided a way out, he always had. I was finally willing to let HIM back in.  He was always with me but I had become very hardened in my heart. It was time to allow GOD to change me and HE did. HE used 3 very specific things to do that for me.

1st i lost my closest friendships. GOD allowed it and it made me realize i couldn't live like that because my friends were such a important part of my life. it hurt to lose them.

2nd he used my brother to speak GOD'S truth into my life at a time when my heart was so lost. he loved me through my pain.

3rd he led a woman into my life to disciple me and carry my burdens with me and help me through my heartache. she prayed with me and cried with me.

i got my friends back, i got close with my family again and i started living differently. there were so many battles during the first 2 years after. every time i thought i had healed something would come up and i had to fight through it with the help of my discipler.

eventually my past really did become my past. i remember thinking that was so long ago it isn't even fresh anymore.  there were however many years for me of sorrow over the fact that i was not yet married. my closest college and high school friends were all married and having babies and i was not. i would sometimes cry at night in my bed over the loneliness of wanting companionship. i wanted to be content but i wasn't.

i don't remember when exactly but i'm sure it's been almost 3 years now since i stopped hurting over my singleness and began to find joy in it. it wasn't any act of mine but GOD'S enablement. no bragging here just thankful to be on the other side of it. 3 years and 1 day ago exactly is when Judah was born and yes i think that had some hand in it. that little boy changed my whole perspective on life. i never cry at night anymore over loneliness.

3 years of contentment... and nothing can ever take it away. yet, my past has come back, YES the past I thought I had dealt with already, forgiving the person who hurt me, done all the praying, forgiving, etc.

i still forgive yet life has been hard lately and i've been really aware of my past and i don't even know what i am supposed to learn from it or how to deal with it.  i just know it's happening and it's supposed too. i wish i could tell you the happy ending to this post is that i am learning A, B & C but I am still in the process of it.

I was listening to the first song on my blog playlist tonight it's a song my college roomie and i used to love. it's about dreaming you're in heaven. i would listen to it in college and instantly feel so happy. tonight i listened to it to take myself back there and it just reminded me that I am not that girl anymore. it's hard to deal with the reality that a sequence of events forever changed my life. honestly sometimes i want to go back to before that all happened and be the innocent girl i was. i know that's not the christian answer but it's true. it's a struggle sometimes to be aware of the struggles that my past still brings.  they are very few and far between but when they come, they are hard.

I do have hope though. HOPE that this too will pass.  HOPE that GOD is always beside me and that HE knows every heartache i have.  HE gave nehemiah a vision to rebuild the walls of jerusalem that had been burned down. nehemiah did not grow weary and so i will remember nehemiah and his bravery. i am sad but not weary because my hope is not in the sins of my past but in the salvation of my GOD. HE will SAVE me! i know that my past does not define me but i pray that my heart will believe that today when everything seems a bit foggy.

12 comments:

rachel said...

this is one of the most beautiful, REAL posts i have ever read. it's not that i LIKE hearing about anyone's (especially someone as precious as you) hurt, sorrows or pain, but the light and freedom it brings speaking it out... and the way god will somehow redeem all your past and hurt for his glory AND for HIS love for you excites me. you know how in ywam each week is focused on a different topic with different speakers. well, this week was on forgiveness and the father heart of god. god showed up and we ALL had business to take care of (even though a lot of us, like me, didn't think we would need to). it was a really raw time of dealing with past issues and hurts. reading your post made me feel like you were HERE with us in the school as we were learning to be more vulnerable and go deeper into things like you mentioned. i KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that god will transform the hurts of your past into things for his glory. i love you and i am so thankful that you are so honest. you are right, i would have never known about your darkest sad moments alone :( then again, i think we would be surprised at a lot of things our friends go through that we don't know about. i love you and pray that FATHER meets you in a new way and loves on your beautiful heart. i pray too that he meets the desires of your heart, whatever they are. i love you jamie :) xoxo

Phil and Bri said...

Wow, this made my day. To hear a fellow believers thoughts and struggles and triumphs is so refreshing. It's REAL. I know it comes at the price of pain for you, but this speaks huge volumes to everyone who will read this post including ME. I am thankful that I get to know you better through this post and that I can pray for you and encourage you. I just wish I could be there with you! I don't want you to be sad or hurting! You are so great and awesome and lovely. God has made you perfectly and promises that he will not give us more than we can handle. Thank you for the reminder that REAL people including myself all need to be encouraged through God's word and love...you are totally right when you say that we probably don't know half of the people in our life that are hurting. I truly truly hope you have a WONDERFUL day.

Linda Z said...

Thank you for sharing your heart, Jamie. I am sorry that you are going through a difficult time. I love all the wonderful things that Rachel said about redemption. God does have a plan for you life, and the past is a part of it. While it feels good to be in the "innocent" place, you have gained much compassion and grace in what you have gone through. You have become more like Jesus. And He has plans to restore what has been lost. Keep trusting, friend.

James, Reese, Lauren, Maddie said...

Jamie- I am praying for you!
Reese

Jamie said...

Ok guys just thought i'd share with you how encouraged i was today. first of all everything each of you shared with me was so heartfelt and really impacted me so much today.

rach- when you said, "i KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that god will transform the hurts of your past into things for his glory". it made me realize that this time is all for his glory. thank you for everything you shared it was so meaningful. i am there with you in heart. you are so precious to me.

bri- i just love your heart. everything you said was so sweet. the part about God not giving us more than we can handle was a really good reminder for me. i thought the other day, "lord i don't know if i can handle this right now so hearing you say it was like God saying yep, jam, you can because you have me.

linda- i was secretly hoping you would give me words of wisdom. and you did. i don't know why but i forgot with all of the heartache that my past changed me for the better and that i can minister to others who have experienced similar trials. i knew that but forgot. you helped me so long ago in a way i will never forget.

reese- my eyes welled up just knowing your praying for me. thank you so much!

it's so good to know your all in my court. i wish i could put into words how much each of you mean to me but there aren't words for it.

Tori said...

Jamie,
Thanks for sharing! You are a precious woman! And I'm glad I know you! And I really hope someday I get to see you!
Love,
Tori

George Hill said...

JAMIE...I LOVE YOU SO MUCH...DAD

Kirra Sue said...

jamie girl i know so how you feel. trust me. there are some days i feel almost every word you wrote. and i so love how you mentioned that your hope is not in the sins of your past but in the salvation of God. what a good reminder. i so struggle with things in my past and i go through seasons of really struggling to seasons of not thinking about it so much. and in every season it's not always so clear exactly what the Lord is trying to teach us. but how encouraging that we can both look back at those girls we used to be and say, "not anymore, by the grace of God." He is making all things new. i am so grateful for your honesty and to know i'm not alone in working through foggy days. much love to you.

Jamie said...

tori!!- i really hope that someday I get to see you! thank you friend. you are precious.

dad- i love you, you have my back, always!

kirra- Wow, I was so impacted by everything you said. i had no idea other people dealt with those same things, let alone you dear sweet friend. i know, have i been living under a cloud? but to hear that you can relate gave my situation such normalcy. i often feel unormal like what in the heck, why aren't you past this jam. i need to give myself some slack and realize, "not anymore by the grace of god"!!! i love that you called me jamie girl! my dad used to call me that when i was younger. thank you for your wisdom and honesty.

The Parsons' blog said...

Jamie, I'm crying. I love you. God loves you. Praying for you always. Love, Sara

Melissa said...

jamie, ryan and I are fighting over who loves you more. you are precious to us both and we continue to pray for you. come over and see us!

Jamie said...

sara- i think we both have the same sensitivity to others and that's what bonds us along with our creativity. thank you for praying for me always.

melissa- i was so happy to read your comment imagining you and ryan sitting in your living room together. i am so lucky to have you guys. wow ryan amazes me and well, you always have. i promise i will come over!