I have a confession to make. I am so prideful and realizing I don't live a life with much humility. Not the kind of humility Peter talks about. He tells me to be clothed in it and in submission to others. True humility does not expect praise from others. The other day I realized how much I like praise, even rely on it. Instead of first being in submission to others I am first worried about myself. My own feelings and finding my value in that at times. This is hard for me to admit. It truly reveals my heart and my character. First me then you.
I have another confession to make. I am so fearful about my future. I don't always truly believe God has the best for me.....that he will allow me to be taken care of. Of course I believe He is good and he is faithful. I know what I have been taught about him and I truly believe those things are true. It's just that I don't live like I believe that. I often try to protect myself from hurt and heartache. Not fully giving myself to anyone. I've let pain and hurt from my past have a hold in my life. I really thought I had been over and past it....but I am not. I don't trust like I did before all that hurt. I am different because of it. I am trying to find my way out of it. Trying to let go of controlling who I will let in and how in the world I can trust God through it. How sad that because one person hurt me a long time ago, I cannot seem to believe in God's good for me. I really have tried so very hard to move on and in many ways I have healed and my life went on. I grew and grew......but the whole issue of trust has never completely gone away for me. I want say I trust you Lord that you have my future worked out and that somedayI will be married and have children. Right? Iknow this is not the end all answer to life but it is my desire. I know it is no fairy tale but I still long for it.
I will share a bit of hope though. Through these hard times and through my self examination, I have been some how able to turn to the Lord. To begin to trust him when my hopes are shattered. To look to him and believe in his character. To have my faith be challenged so that I will have true faith. The kind that lasts through dissapointment and heartache and the unknown. I can wake up everyday and even though I feel sad....give him my hopes and my heavy burdens.
Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this. (Psalm 37:5)
What will he do? He will carry my burdens for me. I am committing my burdens to the Lord. What a relief I don't have to carry them. Many times I make the mistake of trying to bear my own burdens. I can wake up and find comfort in the fact that he loves me, he wants all my dreams to come true because he loves me and he made me. The peace I have each day as I am stretched and refined is comforting. It gets me through. May I have victory as I suffer. May I attribute everything good in my life to the Lord.
Please Pray for me to continue to be refined and to allow God to remake me. Pray my trust will be restored. My past will be behind me never to be laid hold of again. Pray for my prideful heart to be changed to one of humility. Pray for me to have wisdom and true faith.